(S)hitty.(D)ude.(F)ood

Beach Lunch

Any of my readers who live in New York City know how the terrible grocery stores are compared to virtually anywhere else in the country. No one calls them “supermarkets” because they’re not super. They’re horrible. Bad selections of weird things in every aisle. So, my next stop in Ocean City (after beer and doughnuts) was to the SuperFresh across the street from the condo. It was amazing. They had flavors of Chex Mix that I didn’t even know existed. Being in a real supermarket really taps into feelings of nostalgia for me and I ended up buying some stuff to make beach lunches for the week. The kind you had when you were a kid. King’s Hawaiian rolls and sliced turkey and swiss with mayo. So buttery. So bland. So good with sand spilled all over it. Something, something “that’s what I call a SANDwich!”

Healthy Breakfast for a Hot Beach Bod

So I went down to Ocean City, MD for my first beach weekend of the summer. For the week leading up to the trip, I figured it would be good to eat a little healthier than I usually do. It’s bad enough being the palest guy on the beach, but no one, and I mean NO ONE, likes a fatty. So for a few days I just kinda skipped dessert (mostly). That’s as close to a diet as I can get. Anyway, I arrived at the beach late at night and had a few beers before bed. When I woke up, this was the first meal I had. Four doughnuts from the Fractured Prune. I’ve never tasted anything so sweet in my life. Unless the sugar coma gave me some form of amnesia, I believe the flavors were cinnamon sugar (reasonable), maple glazed (kind of breakfast-y), banana nut bread (I didn’t know banana glaze existed), and chocolate covered cherry (you’re not supposed to have dessert after breakfast!). All this on top of the other free glazed doughnut they gave me for being a first time customer. Five. Five doughnuts. Then I took my shirt off. 

Breakfast for Dinner

I got too busy at work to eat dinner again so when I got done at midnight or so I went out with some coworkers and primarily drank my dinner. That was until we arrived at a bar that was serving pop tarts for some reason. We had a good laugh at how ironic they were trying to be until someone ordered one and they put it in the toaster. It smelled basically like the greatest thing that’s ever existed. Then as if my stomach wasn’t in enough jeopardy already, when I got home at 5 in the morning I ate a bowl of off brand Cinnamon Toast Crunch. When people say that it helps to eat something when you’re out drinking, they never mention that that something shouldn’t be breakfast sweets and whole milk. Live and learn. 

Chicken Biscuit

I mean, just look at that thing. And the pool of butter and hot sauce that it left on the plate! Jesus. And I put that in my body. And almost ordered a second one. Not pictured: the bowl of baked beans that I finished this off with or the cake I had later or the bowl of popcorn I ate as a snack later in the night.

Banana Nutella Bun

Here I am again with the sickness. The craving for nutella. By the grace of God I had a banana in the house, but I was really struggling to find something else to put it on. I had no bread. NONE. Except those year old potato buns. I’m gonna be honest and tell you that the bottom part of the bun was actually pretty good. Warm and soft like a potato bun should. But the top was like a rock. A stale rock. Stil, it did the job and what was once the sickness, quickly became the -itis. 

Smooth Shitty Dude Moves

There’s a plethora of classic shitty dude moves that will get you a little free food. My favorite, I think, is the old “order only a small amount of food, then eat the rest of your friend’s food after he’s full.” This move has scored me everything from some fries to a half a sandwich. The only caveat here is that sometimes the leavings aren’t as grand as that. In this case, all I had to choose from was a couple of cold mushrooms with cheese that had fallen off of my friend’s burger. Pretty shitty, but you take what you can get in this game. 

Two for Tuesdays

The other day I had an apple with peanut butter for breakfast. Then I had a really busy day at work and I forgot to eat anything else all day, so when I got home I was pretty hungry. Being a shitty dude, I forgot what I had eaten that morning and at the exact same thing that night. That means that the only thing I ate that day was two apples and a little peanut butter. I was also too lazy to get a plate so I ate it off the damn cutting board, as if it was some kind of artisinal cheese plate. Pretty shitty, I think you’ll agree. 

Salt and Pepper Tuna Can

Too lazy to get a plate? I call it saving the water to wash a plate. Didn’t have any mayo? I call it a healthy alternative. Delicious? You betcha! You can tell I’m a class act cause I buy that SOLID WHITE ALBACORE IN WATER SHEEEYIT!!! Uhhhhh ok…I can’t keep up this charade. I am just lazy and my long expired mayo had finally reached it’s breaking point. And that solid white albacore tuna was just the one that was on sale. I’m BARELY better than a hobo at this point. Check back next week for when I’ll be heating a can of beans over a barrel fire. 

Create-Your-Own Deli Sandwich

I was hungover last weekend and I woke with a fever. A sandwich fever. I don’t have health insurance so I had to self-diagnose. When I got to the deli, I looked at the menu and nothing there really sang to me, so I went all jazz and freestyled that shit. The mexican guy behind the counter patiently listened to my order with an eyebrow up. Chicken cutlet sandwich…WAIT…no lettuce, no tomato, no mayo, with cheese…and honey mustard…on a sub roll. NO! WAIT! Something’s missing…with apple. The guy sighed and made it for me and not twenty minutes later I was slowly and sadly chewing on my sandwich with a squinty eye, scrunched up nose face. You know the face…the one you make when someone farted and you’re just starting to smell it.